Goverment says lose weight or else. . . March 30, 2007

     10 reasons to lose weight or else. . .

1. Or else even your dog will start looking at you funny.  2. You start to remines about the days when people used to just call you chunky.  3. You scare yourself by not being able to reach the bottom of your belly button.  4.  Asian people will stop on the street, snap your picture and laugh about you in a foreign language.  5.  Clothes labeled “One size fits all” won’t apply to YOU.  6.  Parts of your body that used to be in your field of vision will become a distant memory.  7. The guy at the fair that guesses people’s weight just laughs and GIVES you the stuffed monkey.  8.  The term “Reach around” will no longer apply to YOU.  9. People who used to invite you over stop inviting you to protect the structural integrity of their furniture. 10. Richard Simmons will come to your house in his tank top and striped shorts and talk to you all misty eyed until you want to die.

On a side note: I have lost a ton of weight on Trim-Spa, baby, or was it Slim-Fast, or was it methadone?

Bizarre news - Woman marries Lion! March 29, 2007

     In a small ceremony at the southern Mexican town of Peludo Pelotas, Senora Gato Rasguno married Pelos the lion.  Senora Gato would not grant an interview but she did issue this statement: “A lot of people think our marriage is strange but they really don’t understand our love and the joy we give each other.  I have always loved cats.  Even as a child I would dress up the family cat and I crawled on all fours until I was 3 when they forced me to stand upright.  Pelos is very frisky and is all the cat a woman needs, believe you me!”  They plan to live on her ranch when they return from their honeymoon which they are spending on Safari in Africa.

On a side note:  The Iraq war has pushed the truly important stories like gay marriage aside so I am going to push it right back in front of your face.  I am tempted to say I could care less about gay marriage but that would sound callous.  I will say that if our country wants to make  G.M. officially legal, that’s fine with me.  If as it appears they want to ban it, that also is OK with me.  I do however think people doing the same job should get the same health care benefits for example.  Most Americans want to be fair so I think some kind of civil union law that would deal with all the legal issue’s would be excepted.  Of course politicians on both sides will look at the issue purely on how they can play the politic angle in order to get votes.

Giant toad removed from mans colon! March 28, 2007

     A man from Texas lived with toad in colon for years.  For a long time he thought he was just constipated but the pain continued to grow until one night while laying on his stomach, his wife heard a strange sound coming from him.  Toads were making a loud racket in the back yard but this sound seemed to be coming from Ben’s butt.  To make sure she was not crazy, Shirley put her ear to Ben’s behind and there was no mistaking there was a toad in there. They had no medical insurance but decided they could not put this off any longer.  Down at the county emergency room doctors shined a flash light into Ben and were shocked to see two glowing eyes looking back at them.  Ben was rushed to the maternity ward and given an epidural shot.  Toad food was placed just outside of Ben’s ample posterior while Shirley held his hand and encouraged him to breath and push.  Finally in one mighty and painful hop the giant toad left the security of Ben’s colon.  P.S. - Ben, Shirley and the 4Lb. 6 oz. toad are now all doing fine.

On a side note:  Remember the expression “It’s the economy stupid”.  When it comes to health care we need to start saying “Its the high cost stupid”  No matter what system you set up, if the costs are too high and rising too fast, it won’t work.  Politicians love to talk about fraud waste and abuse but tackling them will solve nothing.  A new study has called into question the effectiveness of angioplasties which are expensive and you probally know somebody who has had one.  Also remember the blockbuster drug Vioxx which turned out to cause heart attacks.  The truth is that drugs are not tested on a large enough population over a long enough period to determine safety and effectiveness.  I remember a study a while back that compared patients that had heart surgery to other patients who were put on non-invasive treatment.  There was no significant difference in quality of life between the two groups.  The trillion dollar question is, how much of the health care that we receive a waste of money and could addressing that issue be the answer to the health care crisis

Knut must die! March 27, 2007

         The resent news of the bear cub whose mother abandoned him and the reaction of one animal rights activist reminds me of what I like to call O.I.D.  Obsessive Ideology Disorder.  It was reported that the activist would rather see the bear cub put down than have it raised from birth by humans. This kind of blind fanatical adherence to ones ideology is not unlike what has happened, and is still happening around the world today.  Examples include the so called Cultural revolution in China where communism was taken to it’s ultimate form and everyone was reduced to the lowest common denominator.  Gay activists who out other gays in the name of gays, regardless of the personal pain and problems it may cause to gay individuals.  Extreme abortion and animal rights individuals who would and have taken life’s in the name of saving life’s.  Muslim extremists who attack Muslim holy sites and kill Muslims in the name if Islam and Muslims.  And now Polar bear rights activist who would kill a Polar bear for the good of Polar bears.  The common trait of these actions is that they focus totally on the ideology and not on real breathing human beings, or bears..  The ideology is more important than life, prosperity, or any facts that don’t mesh with it.    When we cling to an Ideology we must also have an eye for humanity, a knowledge of reality, and sense of empathy

On a side note:  The Ideology that the world is ready willing and able to be westernized and that this is the way to security is one very unenlightened idea

Hey kids, look at this! March 26, 2007

The governments attempts to put ANY restrictions on pornography reaching children took a big blow when a judge came down on the side of free speech.  No one including me is against free speech; but I guess we need to define what free speech is.  When the founding fathers talked about speech weren’t they talking about political speech?  Of course they were.  I will go out on a limb but I don’t think they thought they were protecting any-ones right to distribute what we know as porn to children.  Oh wait, somebody is at the door, it must be the slippery slope clowns.  It is all or nothing with them since we must be unable to make well informed and thought out distinctions.  Why can’t legislation be crafted that is clear and unambiguous.  Can’t rules that would expect very minimal effort and expense to adults be set up for the good of our children?.  I would think the Adult entertainment industry would welcome laws that would protect their ability to distribute to adults.  It would also give a clearer picture of the legal landscape and lend some legitimacy to the porn industry.  This is just the sort of thing which leaves many social Conservatives feeling like their point of view is ignored and that politicians have different values than they do.

On a side note:  You ever wonder what our ancestors would think of our modern world?  Even a worldly man like Benjamin Franklin would find his spectacles sliding right off his nose if he were to see even some of the tame pornography that is one click away.  Socrates said “An unexamined life is not worth living”.  I would propose that an unexamined culture goes a long way towards having an unexamined life.

Status of White People March 23, 2007

This year the Status of white people report is sponsored by: Angry white men, southwest chapter. 

     “Not everyone can be an angry white man but if you are angry and you are white, you have all it takes to join our organization.”

This report was not too difficult to compile since there are only three truly white people to report on.  I am sad to say that Casper like a lot of former child stars is in rehab which is today’s mea culpa du jour.  The Michelin man has been ordered by his doctor to cut back on those sales trips because he was getting really tired.  Now this will come as a shock to some of you but the Pillsbury doe man died last year from a massive heart attack.  I went to his wake and there were signs everywhere asking mourners to NOT poke Pillsbury in the belly, apparently he really hated that.

On a side note:  I would have reported on Senators Obama and Clinton but they are brown and off white.  As for me I wish the jungle was a splotchy pinkish beige color; for then I could be the prince of tigers, staking my prey in complete camouflage.  It seems that Hillary may be just the right kind of black to some people while Obama comes with so much non-African American baggage he may have to sit at the back of the bus.  I think we should elect our leaders by applying all kinds of preconceived crap instead of thinking about their positions on issues.

   

Want debate with that? March 21, 2007

McDonald’s is not happy over the term McJob being included into dictionaries because it denigrates their employee’s.  All they are doing is calling a lot of attention to the term which will wind up being used even more often.  You know  how the I-Mac begot the I-Pod,  the I-Phone & coming soon the I-Crapper.  Let’s start calling every thing we think sucks with the added Mc- in front of it.  Like that garbage Mcfood at that McRestaurant.  Maybe Ronald will get so mad he stops marketing to people who don’t have jobs or money and drag me to eat lousy food so we can get throw away toys.  I hope some Mc-Lawyers don’t Mc-sue me now.

On a side note: The president of Iran whom I like to call, “I ma gonna getta job”, not long ago offered up a job he wanted to perform.  He wanted to debate our president Bush on national television on issues important to both countries.  The news seemed to just fall on the floor and crawl under an old dusty Persian rug.  Was it a big Paris / Brittney / Anna Nicole news day?  I wanted to jump up and down and yell, “yes, yes, yes, preempt Desperate Housewive’s or American idol but let’s have a discussion on the Middle East on prime time TV”  Iran has a demographically young population that is ripe for closer ties and here is a young energetic leader in a key country that wants to engage the American people.  The opposite situation in North Korea is what is really scary where dictator “Kim I’m ill” is as elusive as the Ivory-billed woodpeckers pecker.  When it is your watch George the least you can do is not to blow opportunities when they fall in your lap.

Excuse me, your feet are in my face. March 20, 2007

I went to the movie Wild Hogs and something funny happened before the movie even started.  We were early and most the seats were empty.  A middle aged guy got out of his seat and moved down in front of us while giving dirty looks at a lady sitting several seats down our row.  I knew immediately why he moved.  She had slipped off her sandals and put her bare feet up on the seat next to his head.  This was fun.  She was sitting by herself and slowing eating popcorn watching the painfully repetitious pre-movie trivia crap.  Then two old ladies sat down in front of her and she put her feet right back up on the empty chair next to one of them.  So funny.  One of them noticed her feet and asked her to put them down; she did but moved down the row a minute latter behind some empty seats and put those big ol feet back up again.  The saga ends when 4 teenagers take the seats in front of her giggling about her feet as she puts them down once and for all.  Were her feet in the air like raising a flag that yelled,  yes I am at the movies alone and as you can see by my feet,  I am alone because I like it that way?

On a side note:  The Bru ha ha over the firing of some federal prosecutors is the latest in one upmanship on Capital hill.  This time it is the Republiccans turn to abuse their office  for politics and the Democrats turn to be outraged.  it reminds me of ethics committee that was alternatively abused by both parties to take down opponents until the leadership had to agree to never bring anyone up on ethics regardless if it was needed.  Whether it is how and when to hire and fire appointees or bring some one up on ethics, it seems it is asking too much of our politicians to look after our interests instead of theirs.

She is NSFW March 19, 2007

I have distressing news.  It seems that a front runner for the presidency is dangerously unqualified.  The problem has to do with that brief case that has the button that must never be pushed but must always be available to be pushed which is the only way to ensure it will never be pushed.  Not many people know this but when Halliburton built the “Launch box” they designed it with prundentation topographical technology to verify the identity of the president.  It works like this, there is a port on the case at waist level which can suck in the presidents scrotum and read the prundentations which are unique to each male in a quick and slightly painful 5 seconds.  I know what you are thinking.  HILLARY HAS NO BALLS!    Thank god someone realized the problem and two solutions are being tested.  Solution one would fit President Clint 2 with an artificial scrotum she could wear with a strap under her cloths.  Solution two would fit the Launch box with a reader that would work the the female anatomy.  I know with millions of dollars and lots of volunteers(subcontractors) Haliburton can do it!

On a side note:  I am so tired of both the political parties and their preoccupation in fighting each other and getting elected.  They accomplish very little and never seem to be willing or able to do their job on health care, immigration, education, foreign relations, basically every major category.  Someday a great independent candidate is going to whip both their sorry entrenched old wrinkly butts!

What’s for dinner? March 16, 2007

We here in America like to see our food AFTER the face has been removed and put into hot dogs.  By the way I have eaten face before and it is quite tasty(Barbacoa), try warming up the meat with the pica da guy-o to cut down on the oiliness before making taco, add avocado and hot sauce to taste.  Obviously much of the worlds population has different tastes for food from region to region.

On a side note - Why do we Americans expect people around the world to think like we do.  Right now there is a culture clash between the west and the middle east.  The west thinks governments should be democratic and secular, woman liberated, economies capitalistic etc. etc.   The fact is a large percentage of people in the middle east strongly desire to live differently than we do.  We need to make it clear that other than security issues we have no desire to get involved in how they live and govern themselves or transport meat from place to place.

Over doin it. March 16, 2007

The company I work for decided to lighten up a little bit and put out a more casual dress code.  On the first day people trickled in wearing Dockers and golf shirts etc.  Then my boss (picture attached) came in with an outfit that took no prisoners.  I was both scared and stimulated at the same time which was quite interesting.

On a side note:  It is time for the U.S. to quit over doing it with respect to the trade embargo against Cuba.  Here are some reasons to normalize relations with Cuba.  Cuba is not a threat to anyone and I would say they never were.  Even when the USSR had missiles there, they were not Cuban missiles or controlled by Cuba.  The embargo has not pressured Castro out of office, but actually made it easier for him to stay in office by giving him someone to blame.  We should not punish the Cuban people.  Much closer economic ties will lead to positive political changes over time.  And also, I don’t think the Canadians should get all the good spots on the beach.